<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Looking Up Your Ex During Lockdown by supernatural9917</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25210345">Looking Up Your Ex During Lockdown</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/supernatural9917/pseuds/supernatural9917'>supernatural9917</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Lockdown [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Dean used to be in the closet, Fluff and Smut, Getting Back Together, Light Angst, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Phone Sex, Quarantine, lockdown - Freeform</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 11:09:24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,976</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25210345</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/supernatural9917/pseuds/supernatural9917</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean walked out on Cas nearly ten years ago, unwilling to come out of the closet and too immature to leave gracefully. With lockdown giving him plenty of time for introspection, Dean decides to send Cas an email to apologise and hopefully get some closure.</p><p>Cas never expected to hear from Dean again, but his message was definitely not unwelcome. Can something good come out of this pandemic nightmare?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel/Dean Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Lockdown [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2068851</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>65</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>415</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>The Destiel Fan Survey Favs Collection</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Looking Up Your Ex During Lockdown</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I read these <a href="https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/stories-52872380">two</a> <a href="https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/stories-53239520">articles</a> on the BBC website today, and was immediately inspired to write a break-up/make-up Destiel fic. </p><p>This starts off in an epistolary format, first with emails, then text messages, before they speak again. Dean's words are always in italics. Cas loves emoticons ;)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Hey Cas. I’m probably the last person you want to hear from, but all this lockdown stuff has really forced me to spend a lot of time with myself, and I realised that I didn’t really like what I saw when I looked back on my life. I know it’s been years, but the way I treated you still haunts me. I’ve grown a lot as a person, even came out of the closet (still a coward though, waited until my dad died to do it) and openly dated a dude for a while. If I’m being honest, though, I spent the whole time wishing he was you, or that I had met you after I was comfortable enough with myself to give you the relationship you deserved. That <strong>we</strong> deserved.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Anyway, you’re probably married with 2.5 kids and a dog by now (actually, no, probably a cat and maybe some bees in the backyard), but I just wanted you to know that you made a big impact on a dumb kid from Kansas who’s never forgiven himself for leaving you, especially the shitty way I did it. I hope you’re happy, you deserve it more than anybody I know. I’m really sorry, Cas</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Dean</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Dear Dean,</p><p>Your email was a shock to the system. I’m not sure I have enough words to describe the feelings I’ve experienced since reading it. I’ve started this reply a dozen times and never felt the words were quite right. Thirteenth time lucky, perhaps.</p><p>First of all, I forgive you wholeheartedly. We were so young, and you had barely begun to understand yourself. I can admit now that I put too much pressure on you to be out, my lofty statements about everyone doing so on their own time notwithstanding. You are not a coward, and never were. Yes, I was hurt when you left, but it’s been some years now since I looked on our time together with anything but fondness. You have always been ‘the one who got away’ for me. Please don’t torture yourself any longer with self-recrimination. Knowing you, I’m sure this is a futile request ;)</p><p>As for me, no spouse, no kids, but I do have a cat, a Siberian forest cat named Hannah. You’ll think me silly, but part of the reason I chose a Siberian is they’re supposedly hypoallergenic , and I fleetingly thought of you. Unfortunately, I’m too urban to have bees. Oddly enough, I’ve ended up in Kansas of all places- I’m now a tenure-track assistant professor in religious studies at KU in Lawrence. It’s a funny old world. I hope you and Sam are still enjoying the California sunshine, and can soak up a bit on my behalf.</p><p>It was wonderful to hear from you, and I would love to stay in touch if you would be amenable. If not, I understand, and I hope you too have happiness and love in your life.</p><p>Cas</p><p>P.S. I’m sorry to hear about your father. :(</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Goddamn, Cas. Still treating me better than I deserve, and still talking like a dictionary. ;) Don’t ever change, man. Sam says hi btw. He’s a big shot lawyer now, and got married last fall to his college girlfriend, Jess. She’s a total badass and definitely settled for his punk ass. He’s like almost 6’5” now, it’s weird. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I would absolutely love to keep in touch. And actually, that’ll be easier than you’d think because I’m back in Lawrence. Dad left me the house, and I’d originally planned on fixing it up and selling it, but just never got around to the second part. So… maybe we could go for coffee sometime (once things are open) to catch up? No pressure though, emails are one thing, in person is another, so I’d totally get it if you didn’t want to. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Dean</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Dear Dean,</p><p>My apologies for not getting back to you sooner. To be honest, I was a bit shell shocked to learn that we’re in the same city. We must not live near each other, because I’m sure I would have noticed the Impala. I won’t insult you by asking if you still have her ;) </p><p>Yes, I would love to see you when we’re allowed out again. Maybe in the meantime we could text as well? My number is 555-0918. And yes, I still use a lot of emoticons. XD </p><p>Please send Sam my best wishes and congratulations on his marriage as well. &lt;3</p><p>Cas</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>[Unknown number] Cas? This is Dean</em>
</p><p> </p><p>[Cas] Hello Dean. How are you?</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>[Dean] I’m good. Kinda nervous I guess. It’s been a long time</em>
</p><p> </p><p>[Cas] It has. At the risk of making things awkward immediately, I’ve missed having you in my life</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>[Dean] Yeah, same. You were my best friend before everything </em>
</p><p> </p><p>[Cas] And you were mine. Part of me wishes we had never crossed that line and stayed friends, but… well, I also don’t regret what happened between us</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>[Dean] Me neither man. It was awesome while it lasted</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And honestly? Still the best sex I’ve ever had</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Sorry if I made it weird</em>
</p><p> </p><p>[Cas] No, no, it’s fine. That is… very pleasant to hear 😊 You also haven’t been surpassed on that front</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>[Dean] Damn. Thanks Cas</em>
</p><p> </p><p>[Cas] We probably shouldn’t have admitted that though. I doubt your girlfriend would appreciate it 🙈</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>[Dean] My what?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>[Cas] OK, I confess, I did a little Facebook stalking 😬 You have a lot of pictures with a redhead…</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>[Dean] LOL!! Nah man, that’s my buddy Charlie. She’s into chicks and she’s like the little sister I never wanted. NOT my girlfriend. I don’t have one. Or a boyfriend. Or any gender-nonspecific-friend. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Ugh. I mean, no relationships for me. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I tried Facebook stalking you, but you had that shit locked down LOL. Not even a profile pic!</em>
</p><p> </p><p>[Cas] Oh. That’s useful information. </p><p>No relationship for me either.</p><p>And yes, I keep my profile very private so students can’t Facebook stalk me. But I can send you a “selfie” so you can see what I look like now.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>[Dean] Definitely man!!!</em>
</p><p> </p><p>[Cas] I hope you won’t be too disappointed. This was on a trip I took to Italy last year.</p><p>
  <a href="https://i.pinimg.com/originals/1f/b9/73/1fb97331a5311d378fdff82900028e95.jpg">
    
  </a>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>[Dean] Cas</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Jesus fuckin’ Christ man</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You look</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I mean</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Holy SHIT</em>
</p><p> </p><p>[Cas] That bad? 😔 </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>[Dean] DUDE. NO. That good!!!</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Like, I don’t have words, so I’m just gonna use emojis</em>
</p><p>😮🤯😍😏🤤</p><p> </p><p>[Cas] It’s not nice to tease me, Dean</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>[Dean] Cas, seriously. You were a good lookin kid but now you are a stone cold FOX. I’m just gonna go bash my head against a wall for letting THAT get away. Fuck. How are you still single??</em>
</p><p> </p><p>[Cas] Oh, well, thank you, that’s very kind of you to say. 😊 It’s complicated, I guess. A number of reasons.</p><p>From what I could tell on Facebook, you are also looking very, um, 🦊y</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>[Dean] LOL, god you’re still so fuckin cute.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Here’s a more updated quarantine selfie with my mountain man beard </em>
</p><p>
  <a href="https://imgur.com/07PfoEn.png">
    <em>
      
    </em>
  </a>
</p><p> </p><p>[Cas] Oh. Oh my.</p><p> </p><p><em>[Dean] Is that like a George Takei Oh Myyyy or a bad oh my? </em>😬</p><p> </p><p>[Cas] The first one. Very much the first one. You really suit a beard. </p><p>A lot.</p><p>Fuck.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>[Dean] So can I just clarify something?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>[Cas] Of course</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>[Dean] We’re both single. We both still find each other attractive. We both see each other as the one that got away. And we live in the same city. Am I right?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>[Cas] Yes, I believe so…</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>[Dean] I gotta be honest Cas</em>
</p><p>
  <em>If there wasn’t a shelter in place order right now I’d ask for your address </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Shit I probably shouldn’t say that</em>
</p><p> </p><p>[Cas] Say what?</p><p>If it helps, I would give you my address if you asked for it.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>[Dean] Fuck</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I’d come over and kiss the hell out of that gorgeous face</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And whatever else you’d let me get my lips on</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Make you remember why you loved me once</em>
</p><p> </p><p>[Cas] …</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>[Dean] Shit. Too far?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>[Cas] No. I was just trying to decide whether it would be appropriate to tell you that it would be incorrect to conjugate love in the past tense.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>[Dean] I’m gonna need you to say that in plain English Cas</em>
</p><p> </p><p>[Cas] You assumed that I stopped loving you. I was trying to decide whether it would be too much to say that you were wrong in that assumption.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>[Dean] Oh god. Am I dreaming right now? I’m gonna be so pissed if I’m dreaming.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Jesus Cas</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I know I never told you back then but</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Fuck this, can we do video chat?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>[Cas is requesting a video call]</p><p> </p><p>‘Hey,’ Dean answered immediately, breathless. </p><p>‘Hello, Dean. You look wonderful,’ Cas replied.</p><p>Dean meant to say, ‘You too.’ Instead, he blurted out. ‘I love you. I’ve always loved you, and I never stopped for a second. I should have told you then instead of running away. I was immature and scared back then, but it’s been almost ten goddamn years and I’ve still never met anybody who made me feel the way you did. I’m still single because I’m still too hung up on you to give myself completely to anybody else.’</p><p>Cas stared at him in stunned silence, and after nearly a minute without any response, Dean cringed.</p><p>‘Fuck. I made it weird. If you never wanna talk to me again, I’ll totally-’</p><p>‘I’ve never loved anyone the way I’ve loved you,’ Cas interrupted. ‘I’ve also been unable to move on, because having known the intensity of feeling that we shared, I was unwilling to settle for anything less. It tore me apart to realise that you were the love of my life, and I had let you walk away without fighting for us. I never thought I’d see you again, and when I got your email, it started to fill an empty space in my heart that I thought I’d have to live with forever. But I don’t want to live with it. I want my heart to be whole again. With you.’</p><p>‘Yeah. God, Cas, yes. I want that so bad.’</p><p>‘I’m going to text you my address, Dean. When you feel comfortable doing so, I’d like you to pack a bag and come over so we can spend a couple of days getting to know each other again. I realise the lockdown order complicates matters, so I’m happy to do video chats until you’re ready. How does that sound?’</p><p>‘Sounds perfect, Cas.’ The video disappeared for a moment, and then a text message appeared on Dean’s phone with Cas’s address. ‘Got it.’</p><p>‘Good. Now I don’t know about you, but this has been very emotional and I’m exhausted. I think I’d like to go to bed now.’</p><p>‘Oh, yeah, I’m kinda wiped too. I guess I’ll let you go.’</p><p>‘Let me rephrase that. I’d like to go into my bedroom, get undressed, and get in my bed.’ </p><p>‘OK, you don’t really need to tell me your routine, we can hang up.’</p><p>Cas rolled his eyes. ‘Perhaps I should be clearer. I would like to do all that without hanging up.’ He raised a suggestive eyebrow, and Dean’s eyes grew wide.</p><p>‘Oh! Oh, yeah, that’s… yeah. Definitely. I could do that too.’</p><p>‘I would enjoy that.’ Cas got up from the couch and walked towards his room, then propped the phone up on his dresser so Dean could see his whole body.</p><p>‘Dude, you got <em>stacked</em>! I kinda want you to crush my head with your thighs.’</p><p>‘I very much hope to have your head between my thighs sooner rather than later,’ Cas smirked, then took off his t-shirt.</p><p>‘Oh my god. Hold on.’ Dean moved quickly, leaving his own living room and dashing up the stairs to his bedroom. Similarly positioning his phone, he also removed his shirt. ‘OK, all caught up.’</p><p>‘You look stunning, Dean.’</p><p>‘Not too soft around the middle from too many pies?’ Dean asked, poking at a slight pudge around his navel.</p><p>‘Perfect in every way. I want to kiss every inch of you.’</p><p>‘<em>Every</em> inch?’ Dean asked with a waggle of his eyebrows.</p><p>‘Oh yes. Particularly the ones you’re thinking about.’ Cas cupped his own set of particular inches, feeling the number get larger by the second. ‘I’ve forgotten how you taste. I’d very much like to remedy that.’</p><p>‘Fuck,’ Dean moaned, running his hand over the growing bulge in his flannel pyjama bottoms. ‘I can almost feel that. Your mouth was fucking amazing.’</p><p>‘It’s better now. Let me see you, Dean.’ In return for Dean’s obedience, Cas pulled down his own pants, briefly keeping his snug boxer-briefs on as a tease before removing them too. Dean stared for a moment before quickly following suit. ‘Oh Dean. I’ve dreamed of those sweet bowlegs around me for so long.’ He began to stroke himself loosely, and Dean mirrored him.</p><p>‘Me too, Cas. I want… I mean, I know we never did back then, but… god, I’ve wanted you to fuck me for most of the last decade.’</p><p>If Cas had been holding his phone then, he would have dropped it. Dean had never bottomed when they were together, had in fact been very clear that he was strictly a top, all part of the macho bullshit that had put him so deep into the closet in the first place. ‘You have?’ Cas whispered.</p><p>‘Second-biggest regret, after leaving you, was never letting you rail me into the mattress.’ Dean reached into his nightstand and pulled out some lube, dabbing some on his hand to ease his way as he sped up his strokes. ‘I even know exactly how I’d want it to go.’</p><p>‘Tell me,’ Cas panted, a squirt of lotion allowing his own increase in pace. </p><p>‘First we’d take a shower together, get me nice and clean. Then you’d take me back to your bed and eat me out like you always offered but I was too chickenshit to try.’ Cas moaned, his hand now a blur on his erection. ‘Then you’d get me nice and loose with your fingers, and maybe a toy. I know you’d make it so good for me, it would never hurt.’</p><p>‘Never,’ Cas agreed. ‘I’d make you feel so good, Dean.’</p><p>‘Then you’d finally get inside me.’</p><p>‘What position?’</p><p>‘Um… I’d be on my back so I could look at you.’ Dean seemed embarrassed by the revelation, but Cas nodded furiously.</p><p>‘Yes. I’d want to see your face, I’d want to be able to kiss you while I make love to you. You’d be so beautiful, Dean.’</p><p>‘I thought I was asking you to fuck me,’ Dean teased.</p><p>‘I would fuck you the second time,’ Cas promised. ‘But the first time, I’m going to make love to you to make up for all the lost time.’</p><p>‘I got tested just before the lockdown. All clear. How about you?’</p><p>‘I haven’t had a lover in a long time. Also clear.’</p><p>‘Good. Then we could be bare, and you could come inside me.’ At that, Cas let out a long groan and came all over his hand. Dean followed soon after, the allure of the sounds Cas made too strong to resist. ‘Wow.’</p><p>‘Yeah,’ Cas agreed. ‘And that’s without us even touching.’</p><p>‘Didn’t even make it to the bed,’ Dean chuckled. ‘Gotta admit, not even in my wildest dreams did I think this would be the result when I emailed you the other day. I thought, if I was lucky maybe we’d eventually be friends again.’</p><p>‘Do you think we’re moving too fast?’</p><p>‘No. We’re just catching up to where we should have been if I hadn’t been a dumbass.’</p><p>‘Dean,’ Cas said sternly, ‘I won’t stand for you putting yourself down today any more than I did before.’</p><p>‘Sorry,’ Dean mumbled. ‘Haven’t had anybody else care about it for a long time.’</p><p>‘Then it’s a good thing I’m here again.’</p><p>‘In every possible way, sweetheart.’</p><p>Cas sighed happily at the pet name. ‘I’ve missed that too.’ They smiled at each other for a few seconds, just enjoying the view, and then Dean bit his lip and dropped his eyes.</p><p>‘I better go get cleaned up. Can we talk again soon?’</p><p>‘As often as you want. I’m delivering all my lectures from home, but aside from those set times, my schedule is flexible. And I’m off work all day tomorrow.’</p><p>‘Awesome. We’ll talk tomorrow then?’</p><p>‘Perfect. This has been… wonderful.’</p><p>‘I love you so much, Cas.’</p><p>‘I love you too, Dean. Goodnight.’</p><p>‘Night.’</p><p>**********</p><p>Cas woke up early the next day, but several hours had passed without a word from Dean. A chill began to pervade his heart, a fear that, despite what they had said, he had pushed too far, too fast, and Dean was now regretting everything. He paced his living room, chewing his lip and wondering if <em>he</em> should text first, when he heard a sound outside that he would recognise anywhere but never thought he’d hear again.</p><p>The engine of a 1967 Chevrolet Impala.</p><p>Cas ran to the door and threw it open in time to see Dean pop the trunk and take out two big suitcases and a backpack. He watched silently as Dean locked her up and put on the backpack before starting to drag the cases up the path. Cas ran down to help him.</p><p>‘Hey, Cas. Sorry I’m late.’</p><p>‘Late?’</p><p>‘You said to come over when I was ready. I would’ve been here sooner, but I figure we’re supposed to shelter in place for at least a few more weeks, so I had to pack a lot of stuff. Took longer than I expected.’ He rubbed the back of his neck, blushing and looking a bit awkward. ‘Uh, I hope it’s OK for me to stay that long.’</p><p>‘Oh Dean.’ Cas threw his arms around Dean and found himself squeezed equally tightly in return. ‘Stay forever.’</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>